Me, myself & I

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I was in relationships back to back from early high school until my late 20’s. As much as I enjoyed many aspects of those relationships, the underlying feeling for me was that I longed to be single. Why did I continue with them? I had never been taught or shown how to truly love myself, so I looked for love outside of myself. When someone showed me love, I let them do the work I should have been doing myself. It felt nice to be on a pedestal but it came at a cost. My subconscious patterning from my European mother was the biggest factor. As a female I thought my sole purpose was to find a man, get married, buy a house and have kids. I don’t blame my Mum for this, she was just as unaware of her patterning as I was of mine. She picked it up from her parents and they from theirs – we all do! The difference for me is that I had Kinesiology to help bring awareness to these negative patterns and heal them. It took a lot of working on myself, but I can honestly say that I have never been happier and more fulfilled than in the past few years. Being on my own has helped me have the space and energy to get to know myself on a deep level and be honest with what I really want. My only goal in life used to be ‘get married, have kids’. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing for everyone, but I had no other plan in place. No other interests at all. I could easily have married my last boyfriend and had kids with him, but I wouldn’t have known who I was outside of that. That’s a lot of pressure and expectation to put on a partner and subsequent children. Happiness in an inside job – if you aren’t truly happy within, nothing else is going to magically make you happy. It will for a while, but not when things get hard – and they will, cause that’s life. Being in a relationship does not guarantee happiness – I see plenty of couples who aren’t truly happy but fear keeps them stuck. I couldn’t even tell my Kinesiologist why I had this very blinkered one track goal when she asked me – it was so deeply ingrained that I couldn’t see it wasn’t actually my own desire. I had been programmed by family, movies, society and fairy tales since I was too young to even understand what a relationship was. No one ever asked me when I was a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I never thought about what I wanted to do with my life. At 36 I am regularly questioned about my relationship status… Am I being too fussy? Am I putting myself out there enough? I think people pity me and assume I spend all of my days pining for a ‘knight in shining armour to come and save me from my loneliness’… Yeah nahhh! I genuinely love being by myself. I am not half a person waiting for someone to ‘complete me’. I am totally happy in my own company – I’m an empath, I actually require long periods of time alone (which has been a big challenge in past relationships). Even as a child I used to crave being home alone for as long as possible. I don’t get lonely, but I DO feel angry, stressed and annoyed when I don’t have enough time to myself. I have worked on knowing what my boundaries are and strengthening them by communicating my needs to those around me. I absolutely will be meticulous about who I am to spend my life and procreate with, it’s a bloody big deal and not something I want to do with just anyone! I don’t put myself out there with dating apps because it is not and has never been my thing – I’m just not into it, if you are then great! I also don’t align with the energy of ‘looking for a partner’. I would much rather a serendipitous meeting. I have always believed things happen as and when they are supposed to so I keep my heart and energy open to allowing in the right person at the right time. When I look back in my life at all of the times I wanted something that didn’t eventuate, in hindsight I could not be more grateful they didn’t work out! I’m not going to go to bars or pubs to meet someone because I don’t drink and I live a very clean lifestyle so it goes without saying I want the same in a partner. I live a full life doing the things that I love, which stands me in good steed to meet someone who resonates with my interests and energy. Most importantly for me is an energetic connection. Physical attributes are secondary for me – I need to feel a soul connection. I have felt this once or twice, but it’s quite rare and the reason why I pass up seemingly good opportunities. Only a small handful of people actually believe that I am totally happy being single – I find that a pretty sad reflection on society in the year 2017. People still assume that a woman could only be whole if she has a partner and children. I used to think the same but now I’m not even sure if I would feel this empowered, free, independent and happy if I was in a relationship – so I’m just going to enjoy the shit out of it while it lasts! Being single is not a disease, it is my choice and one that I am content with. If that sounds hard to believe, consider that you may be viewing me through the lens of your deepest fears – not mine. Of course it would be wonderful to have my ideal partner, but it’s even more wonderful to be in relationship with myself first. If I don’t end up having kids then that’s ok with me. I’m an Aunty in love to a 2 ½ year old little girl who I adore. I am under no illusions about having children – I know it is simultaneously life changing, beautiful and the hardest job on earth. It takes up all of your time and energy. To live the life I dream of, right now I need my time and energy fully focused on expanding my healing abilities and living peacefully in the present with gratitude. When I am in that flow magic happens because I am being my true self, operating from my own source, no longer do I outsource my happiness. That is the empowered space that I want to be in when I meet a potential partner who is on that same page with me. Two whole, independent and awake beings coming together to expand their potential.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Lao Tzu

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